Update. part 1 of 2

This is going to be a LONG post, and will consist of two parts-just like the title implies. ;-)

I've shed alot of tears these past few days. The frustrations of being "sick", the news of losing a close family member, sadness over not being able to attend the funeral, etc.

I refuse to feel sorry for myself. I will not do that. I KNOW that the Creator has a purpose for all that happens in our lives; but some days, this entire "ordeal" just causes me so much frustration. I am living  by my favorite quote "everything happens for a reason", it is something I firmly believe in. After all is said and done, at the end of the day- we are where we are suppose to be. Pretty amazing eh?

Today, I was really questioning my own "support network", and more or less-feeling alone. Albeit I have pretty awesome people in my Life, I was feeling alone and that I was going thru the motions solo. I know that my husband is very very busy studying for the big LSAT exam coming up; my mom is busy with work commitments; my inlaws are busy with work commitments,etc. I was praying and asked the Creator to help me know that I am NOT alone. That I have support whether its right infront of me or not. Low and behold, this evening-AGAIN I found myself in tears, and one of my aunties phoned. It was such a comforting phonecall. I was also texting with a close cousin of mine who has been so supportive and helpful thru all of this. I am so blessed to have such caring and loving people in my Life. I am blessed to know that I have many individuals of different Faiths and religions-praying for me and sending me strength and positivity. I stand firm to my convictions that HE hears our prayers and will never leave us to suffer alone. I am grateful to have the native/cultural way of life, as well as catholic way. I am thankful to have my close friends and acquaintances of different walks of life-LDS, RC, Angelican,etc., sending my family and I-prayers and hugs.

  I have explained to a few close friends, and too my aunty tonight; the circumstances are bad, for me to have learned some very enlightening Life lessons- but I am very very glad to have gotten to this point in my Life. It is very bittersweet, being sick and having that constanst fear of the unknown. On the opposite end, it has matured me and given me so much in retrospect. I think only others who have faced some serious medical scares or Life-altering situations-can relate to how you just seem to re-evaluate your Life and your attitude/perspective. I no longer am as selfish as I had once allowed myself to be. I do not take my family or friends for granted, and TRULY value Life. I wake up each and every single day THANKFUL that I am given another day to live and enjoy. I used to complain alot and always felt compelled to be "in control"-let me tell you, we are NOT in control. We are human, and must always remember our Heavenly Father/Saviour is always in control. Once we accept that on our own, Life becomes so much more sweeter. I never speak out or say whats on my mind in regards to my faith and spirituality, like what I've just previously written. But this is my blog, if anything-its my outlet. I want others to know that I'm not preaching, but making myself and others aware that I have strengthed and regained my Faith more than ever. It's the most liberating feeling.

  This past Tuesday, was when my second lumbar pucture was scheduled for. It was pretty invasive, and painful because my neuro. couldn't find the exact point of entry he needed, in my spine. After 3 tries, he deemed it unsuccessful. I was upset, because I felt let-down. Again, the control-freak in me lol but after talking to Doug, I was reassured-knowing it will happen when it happens. I did what I always do when I feel over-stressed; I went to the gym and burned off my negative energy. Nothing will ever top endorphins. Although I was in discomfort and pain from the needles, etc. I was proud of my body allowing me the opportunity to go and walk/run/work out. In all honesty, I used to dread and hate, even curse the gym. I wanted to be anywhere but there, I wanted to be at home just vegging and would bitch and complain my entire way thru my workouts. Now, its the opposite. When I feel myself lagging and on the verge of bitchin' lol I stop and remind myself that I am lucky to have my vision and health, which in turn gives me the ability to be working out,etc. It's invigorating. Still not in bikini-body shape, but thats not my motive lol my motive is too regain my health and live long. Live to be an old kokom and to give my sons heck when they're adults, to drive them crazy and still smother them with hugs and kisses when they're old men! lol

 The great news of yesterday-tuesday is; my vision is still not in the greatest of shape. Not too much of an inprovement, BUT my left eye is displaying significant improvement. My optometrist did all the tests and we compared the pictures from this past January, and last October. He feels that the neuro and specialists need to step it up a notch, because he doesnt like how my vision is so affected- but my left eye is back to 20/20 vision! That was pretty exciting to hear, some good to even out the bad lol So we paid for the new lense prescription, and hopefully when I'm in recovery-doug can go and get them replaced. =) 

I'm going to end this entry with a story of my late aunty. My Aunty Laverne was always an important woman in my Life. Regardless of the circumstances that held her down, she was such an amazing and beautiful individual. I told Doug my story of her, thru tears and smiles. Again, it chokes me up to even type this out, because there are few people who I've met in life, who have impacted my life SOO much. The greatest memory of my aunt is this; she was THE best mother. She did her best, and like I said, life throws curveballs at all of us-and it was sad that she was pulled down and couldnt regain her footing; but when she was a young mom, and I was a young girl- she was my inspiration. I loved to be in the same room as my mom and aunty. They were so full of life and happiness. They loved to laugh together, and it was so contagious. The true genuine happiness that brings your eyes to smile and your laughter is pure in the simplest of form. I will always love the smell of pine-sol, because she kept her home so clean and it always smelled freshly washed. It saddens me, that my young cousins will never know the memories that I know. That when they were young and babies, their mom was SO in love with them and devoted to them. She took such great care of them, and was such a true example of a mother. I enjoyed every single moment I spent at her house-as much as my memory will allow me too lol. My older sister and I werent just cousins, we were part of the family. There was never judgement or discrimination or feelings of insecurity. Just love and security and comfort. She was a good cook, and always ready to give hugs and kisses. She displayed so much love and was never quick to get mad, but to make sure we were okay then she would give us heck. I was her "ditten". By now, you know I'm bawling my eyes out, because there's the pang of guilt that I never took the time to ever tell my aunty how much I loved her and appreciated her. But every single time I saw her, I hugged her and was happy to hear "ohhhh hello there, my ditten!". I love you so incredibly much Aunty, and I won't cry or hold you back. You will NEVER be forgotten. You've impacted me more than you'll ever know. When I have my "bad mommy" days, you always came to mind. You showed me that being a mom can be fun and that raising kids was tough but could be fun at the same time. Thank you for showing me at my young age, without telling me, that a clean home is always important, and that hugs and kisses will always make things better! I love you, and rest peacefully Aunty.