It only gets better- 4/11/10

There are a million and one quotes out there that inspire/motivate/enlighten me, and one of them was sent to me in a forward this past weekend..... it sums up SO MUCH of what I'm accomplishing and striving to achieve; "Action conquers fear"..- Peter Nivio Zarlenga.

I LOVE the "natural high" that is obtained when working your muscles and body. I love the adrenelin and especially LOVE the endorphins that are flowing vastly thru us! I used to DREAD working out and even the thought it of it, turned me off. Sure I'm still so freshly at the beginning of my journey, but I enjoy it now. My right foot is still not as healed as it should be, for me to start up my C25K again. That doesn't mean that I need to stop and regain my ol' sedentary lifestyle. I am still conditioning my body to continue pushing forward and, not allow the mental and physical hurdles to throw me off..

   Today, I chose to do mainly cardio, because I didn't want to get burnt out with swimming. Too much too soon is something that has always plagued me. I start out sooooo gong-ho for stuff, then just lose interest fast! lol Atleast I've acknowledged that about myself...lol
    Anyway, I literally PUSHED myself to the limit today, I did 61 minutes on the elliptical- OMG!!!! the first 10 minutes were like "okay..this is going to be ok"...then 30 minutes "OMG! I need to just stop....I need too..I can't continue, my legs are going to give out any second..." then 45 minutes pass by "HOLY SHIT! I can't keep going...omg, I'm so thirsty, my lungs hurt-but wait, I think I can do this...I just need to find my groove"...the LAST ten minutes of that hour seemed FOREVER...I.AM.NOT.KIDDING! I have NEVER in my Life, worked out long or hard enough to be practically dripping sweat. Today, I did just that! Mind you it felt great, because I knew that I could just so easily give up, but why? because then I would dwell alllllll day about it. So I just paced and aimed to complete my hour at 5 minute intervals.  I also notice that its the Black Eyed Peas that gets me all motivated and really pushing myself to keep going **no pun intended about the BEP...lol....hence-today was suppose to be "the concert"...meh...another time and place right? lol**

After my cardio, I had to walk off the fatigue in my legs, I swear if I didnt stop moving, I would fall to the floor. lol I drank about 4 bottles of water-which is AWESOME! Because nothing is better than h2o at this point! I finished off my workout with weight training and some really deep stretches. I will know tomorrow if I did enough stretching! LoL



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 Because this is my blog; my place to vent, bitch, complain, cry, laugh and all that other good stuff. I really need to get some stuff off my shoulders. LoL So if you choose to continue reading, don't say I didn't warn ya! lol

 I like to think that I have grown and matured these past years, especially since I've become a mother. There's NO DOUBT in my mind, that I would lay my Life down for my children. They are the very essence of my being, and I want to be the best I can absolutely be for them. Having said that, I have dealt with ALOT of trauma and different cycles of abuse throughout these first 25 years of my life. I have molded my very being with a hard shell, and can say that my "protective instincts" are at an all time high. I will not divulge all that has been said or done to me, but I just know that I REFUSE to accept anything less than what I am WORTH. I am stuck at this crossroad-literally and figurative. I have completely let go of one of my "parents" and am on the verge of doing the exact same with the other parent. I guess there are just SO MANY unanswered questions from childhood up, that I wish I could get answers for; I've tried my hardest to seek out the truth, but to no avail have I found said answers or truths. I do not want to lead my life as a hypocrite, not raise my sons with hypocrisy. I want them to KNOW all sides of their family tree, and to know and experience REAL LOVE from their families. I don't want to place them in situations or within the reach of people, who do not care for the wellbeing of them. I experienced TOO MUCH as a child, both positively and negatively. Obviously the negative outweighs the positive. I HATE how my decisions so largely affect my family and I. I am facing a very REAL situation with my mom, and I am completely clueless as how to approach this. I can't draw the fine line that needs to be put in place, and the words she's spoken to me both past and present, will not ever be erased.
  I am fighting this inner battle, because I know the genuine love and compassion that she holds for my boys is SO SO real.  I SEE it, I HEAR it and I KNOW it. And there's nothing that I want MORE for my boys- to have such a loving, caring, giving and nurturing grandmother. I see how she lights up when she is with them, and vice versa. they LOVE and ADORE their kahkoo, so how do I say no to that? but how do I try mend this broken and wrecked relationship that her and I have? I wish so badly to know the RIGHT way of peicing this together, so that everyone wins. I pray daily for the RIGHT answers, and am constantly reaching out and searching for guidance; because if anything, I strongly desire to be the BEST person that I can be. 

     We don't choose our families, but we do have the personal capability to choose who we allow into our lives. I will continue to be the best I can be; for myself, my husband and my boys. I am eternally grateful for the 4 beautiful and perfect men that are in my Life. My husband and our sons. We are each others' biggest support and it will continue to ONLY get better! =)