it's not easy...

It's not easy to admit you're not perfect. It's not easy to admit anything actually. But here goes, my list of "it's not easy"....I constantly feel like I'm continuing down this spiralling downwards path, of my own self-destruction/self-ignorance/self-everything. I have my good days, my shitty days, and my "the world is black and bleak" days....I know that I am suppose to be grateful for everything, and don't think that I'm not, because I am...but aren't we all allowed to have just a teeny tad bit of self pity days? I'm having one of those...

I hate how it's not easy to be a mother, and a wife, and a woman, all at the same time. It's not easy being the one is charge of everyone around me, their well being; making sure my children are clean, clothed and fed. It's not easy being a wife, and doing my best to be support to my husband, when sometimes I just wish I could tell him that what he learned at school, is just NOT interesting to ME, but I wont ever say that. It's not easy being the one in charge of EVERY meal EVERY day; breakfast/lunch/supper/snacks/etc...It's not easy being the one that has to haul the kids to their appointments/practices, etc...It's especially not easy to stop the self-defeating games that I play with myself; I hate how my low self-esteem has plummeted over the past few years. It's especially not easy admitting that I dealt with PPD after all three of my pregnancies, that's the hardest to admit, but it happens to more people than we know. It's not easy asking for help, crying out for it, but there's noone who really understands..It's not easy being the enforcer of discipline, and the one who sometimes flys off the handle and yells at her kids..It's not easy to admit that I've spanked my sons, especially because I dont believe in physical punishment!!!! I hate how I contradict myself when I tell my boys to stop hitting, stop yelling, stop disrespecting me, etc; when I do that to them-its not fair!!!.I hate how I can get mad at my boys, and scold them, and freak out..I hate the jekyll/hyde that I become on my shitty days..its not fair to my family, they don't deserve to have to deal with me and my insecurities...I know they love me for me, but I never EVER want to be "that" mom;whose kids are ashamed of.....It's not easy to forgive and forget..it's not easy to stop wishing I was prettier/thinner/smarter.etc....I wish I was one of "those moms", who have it all together 24/7. Who have the perfect build, with the perfect hair and clothes, who NEVER yell at their children, and no matter what, give off that wonderous glow of self confidence, I want to be one of THOSE moms...

But for now, I'll continue to do my absolute best, and when I know I'm having one of my crappy days, I'll look at my sons and just seeing their handsome faces and cute smiles, will allow me to feel better. I'll continue to be more patient, and to pick my battles, with my sons. I will stop and remove myself from the situation if I know that my anger/frustration will just get the best of me. I will try and limit my OCD personality, and know that a messy living room and a messy house; WILL get cleaned eventually. That a messy house doesn't reflect pigs living in my home, but small children with big imaginations! I will always remember to treat everyone ESPECIALLY my children, with respect, so in turn, they treat me with respect!